May 28, 2009

Pre-Engagement Class

Posted by JL

Would you attend a class that addresses relationship education and skills in a dating relationship?
Over the past few years at least one person (dating couple) has approached me each year asking if they can take the pre-marital class if they are dating.  At that point we didn’t have a class for them.  But, this month 2-3 people (who are in a dating relationship) asked me of YNCC has a class for dating couples, a sort of pre-engagement class.  I took that as the Spirit’s nudge to provide a class for people of YNCC.

I’d like to ask a few questions.

- If you were to take the class what would you hope to learn?
- How long would you want the class to be?

Looking forward to your comments and questions.

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May 27, 2009

Staying Calm: Some Love and Logic Tips

Posted by JL

Hello YNCC Blog readers,

I read a variety of parenting and marriage books, articles, and web sites.  Love and Logic is a sound parenting website.  From my own personal parenting experience as well as listening to parents come to me for wisdom I see the ability to stay calm and centered (in Christ) is a key skill in parenting (and in any relationship).  I thought these 3 points are excellent ways to begin to make a habit of remaining calm in chaotic situations.  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Warmly,
John Loppnow

Avoiding frustration, anger, lectures, and other ineffective parenting practices is no simple task in today’s hectic world. Fortunately, the following steps can help us “brainwash” ourselves into staying cool in hot situations:

Step #1: Create one calming self-statement.

Everyone needs a calming thought to carry with them as they navigate this not-so-calm world. Listed below are some examples:
Anger makes it worse.

Anger and frustration feed misbehavior.

Frustration fuels the fire.

Empathy instead of anger.

My kids will someday select my nursing home.

Step #2: Post your statement where you’ll see it often.

The more often you see your statement, the more likely it will pop into your head when your kids are getting on your last nerve. It’s great for them to see them it too!

Step #3: Visualize yourself staying calm and using your statement.

Each night as you are falling asleep, imagine yourself in a tough parenting situation with your children…and handling it without breaking a sweat!

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

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March 29, 2009

Appreciate + Admire (Premarital Class)

Posted by John Loppnow

Here at YNCC we want to do whatever it takes so that people have the kind of marriage that God dreams of.  In my first class I teach both knowledge and skills that enable people to have a loving marriage.  The kind of marriage the advertises God’s love to one another and to our neighbor.

The first skill I teach couples is called Appreciation + Admiration.  It is a skill built upon God’s word and Phil 4:8 is one passage that reflects this truth.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Gratitude for the greatest gifts in life (our spouses) is something that should overflow in our lives.  This skill A+A (appreciation + admiration) is a practical way to live out the truth of this verse in our lives.  Not only does scripture call us to love our spouses.  This is one practical way we can proactively do this.

To Appreciate one another is to verbally recognize something that they have said or done that was positive/pleasant.

“Honey, I appreciate that helped fold the laundry last night.  It really helped me out and let me know you care.”
“I appreciate you paying the bills this past weekend.”

To Admire one another is to verbally recognize a quality in our partner that is positive.

“I really admire how diligent you are in whatever you are working on.  You always follow through until it is done with excellence.”
“I admire how encouraging you are.  Not only to me, but to others.  You genuinely see the best in people.”
“I admire how forgiving and gracious you are.  I have experienced it and I see that you hold no grudges towards people.  I want to grow in this.”

We need to find ways of building up one another.  Your spouse is made in the image of God and is God’s gift to you.  Find a way to recognize how they reflect the image of God and let them know.  Its not meaningful if it stays in your mind and your partner isn’t aware of what you hold in your heart.

So, I encourage you to appreciate and admire your spouse.  You can also appreciate and admire your parents, family members, church members and even people you work with.  All people are made in the image of God.  Look for what you can appreciate and admire.

Blessings as you seek to love God and love your neighbor.

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March 29, 2009

FASTING (Part 1)

Posted by John Loppnow

I’ve been learning about what the Bible reveals about fasting from one of my favorite authors Scot McKnight.  His book Fasting provokes not only my thinking but also me to actually fast.

Here is how he defines fasting.

Fasting is the natural, inevitable response of a person to a grievous sacred moment in life.

Here are some more quotes from the book that might draw out more ideas from his definition.

Does it bring results?  Yes, but that’s not the point of fasting.

Which leads us to see fasting in an A -> B -> C framework.  If one wants to see the full Christian understanding of fasting, one must begin with (A), the grievous sacred moment.  That sacred moment generates a response (B), in this case fasting.  Only then, only when the sacred moment is given its full power does the response of fasting generate the results (C)—and then not always, if truth be told.

Fasting isn’t a manipulative tool that guarantees results.  Fasting is a response to a sacred moment, not an instrument designed to get desired results. 

A
Sacred Moment
Death
Sin
Fear
Threats
Needs
Sickness

B
Fasting
Responsive Fasting

C
Results
Life
Forgiveness
Safety
Hope
Answers
Health

Those who are most moved by sacred moments find themselves fasting and, because they are in tune with what God is doing in this world in those grievous sacred moments, they may discover desired results.

What McKnight presents has really encouraged me to look for the sacred moments and to respond with my whole being.  He calls it body talk (more on that later).  I feel free to respond with to a sacred moment.  Personally, I felt uncomfortable with doing something in order to get something from God.  For me, I can respond genuinely.

I hope this encourages you to respond to the sacred moments in your life.  If I may I would encourage you to consider the sacred moment we are in as a church with the launching of Olive site.  Maybe we could fast as a community.

Blessings to you.

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March 17, 2009

A Prayer of St. Patrick

Posted by JRL

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the name,
The strong name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
salvation is of Christ the Lord.

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March 14, 2009

Premarital Class - Welcome

Posted by John Loppnow

The Marriage & Family Ministry welcomes the latest premarital class to the 2nd Quarter of YNCC’s Pathway’s classes.  The instructors are: John Loppnow, Elder Michael Hong + (Deacon-elect) Kathleen Hong.

This is the first time there will be blog entries related to the premarital class.  My hope is that we can become a learning community.  Those who are in the class as well as those who want to learn about marriage who are a part of the YNCC community.

In starting the class I’ll be sharing a few questions with the class.  First, I’ll have them jot down some of their thoughts then we can dialogue about them together.  Here they are:

What knowledge + skills do you think are necessary for a great marriage?

What is the #1 enemy of good relationships?

Anger is….

Listening is….

God’s dream for marriage is…

List a few passages of scripture that you think are pertinent to having a good marriage:

In preparing for my marriage I hope to learn….

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February 24, 2009

What are you fasting for Lent?  (taken from the batterson blog)

Posted by JL

Hello YNCC blog readers,

I read all kinds of blogs from pastors, church leaders and great thinkers.  I’m posting a blog entry from Mark Batterson.  He is a pastor in Washington D.C.  The reason I’m posting it is because I feel that I can’t improve on its simplicity for the coming LENT.  And I realize that many of us at YNCC don’t participate that much in preparing our hearts for Easter.  That is the main purpose of Lent.  I hope this entry encourages you to prayerfully consider how you can participate in this year’s Lent.

Much love to you all,
John

What are you fasting for Lent?

I have a goal-oriented personality. Without goals I’m no good. So I try to leverage things like birthdays and New Years and Lent and Pentecost to set new spiritual goals or reestablish some God habits. A few years ago I started observing Lent and it’s made Easter so much more meaningful. Can’t wait for Ash Wednesday.

Here’s an equation: -++=x.

Translation: subtraction plus addition equals multiplication.

What do you need to subtract from you life?

It might be a bad habit or waste of time or something that is permissible but not beneficial. Last year I gave up television for forty days. This year I’m giving up soda and candy. I know that doesn’t sound super spiritual, but if you knew how much I love vanilla coke and gummy bears…

What do you need to add to your life?

You can’t just subtract something. You’ve got to add something to your spiritual routine. I’m going to add an hour to my day. How? I’m setting my alarm clock an hour earlier than I normally do. I want to give God more of my most precious resource: time.

I’m believing that subtraction and addition will result in multiplication. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been filled with more holy anticipation about what God is doing in my life and the life of National Community Church. But I’m believing Him for greater things! I want Him to multiply what He is already doing!

Question: what are you subtracting or adding for Lent?

(2) Comments

February 24, 2009

Definition of an Idol

Posted by JRL

“To whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by ‘god.’ To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart.... To whatever you give your heart and entrust your being, that, I say, is really your god.” - Martin Luther

This past Saturday I did some training with the OD elects.  OD stands for Ordained Deacon.  One area I covered was the area of conflict.  In one of the best books on peacemaking and dealing with conflict is The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.  Author, Ken Sande, talks about the progression of an idol.  [For more info about the Peacemaker Ministry go here.]

I Desire - Conflict always begins with some kind of desire.  Some good, some bad.  An unmet desire.
I Demand – I want becomes “I must have”
I Judge - When fail to satisfy our desires and live up to our expectations, we criticize and condemn in our hearts if not with our words.
I Punish - Idols always demand sacrifices.  Sharp words, withdrawl, etc.

One of the OD elects says that they enjoy conflict.  Or, that conflict is good.  What do you think?  What is your initial thought?
This person’s point is that getting things on the table for an open and honest discussion is good.  And I agree with that.

There is a point when conflict can be destructive.  And it is when our wants become a “must have,” and at that point we most likely have an idol in our life.

If we do actually have an idol, what should we do?
Well, let me ask you.  What is the appropriate response to an idol in our lives?

I leave you with that question.  Ponder it.  Ask God for his wisdom.  Ask him to point out any idols you may have.  (Most likely we all have at least one and probably more.  What should we do with them?)

(2) Comments

February 18, 2009

Rules for Couples’ Conflict - [Taken from Smalley Relationship Center]

Posted by JRL

As someone who coaches people in relationship skills I recognize that most people, including couples, do not have a thought through way of dealing with conflict.  This website (Smalley Relationship Center) is a great site.  I recommend all readers to read it and incorporate it in their lives.

Rules for Couples’ Conflict
01/13/03

http://www.smalleyonline.com/articles/m_rulesforcouplesconflict.html

1. Clearly define the problem. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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